Text of New Rules - September 26, 2008
New Rule: You cannot attain foreign policy experience by rubbing Henry Kissinger. [slide shown of Sarah Palin with Kissinger] He is a former secretary of state, not Buddha.
New Rule: Next time we get in an enormous financial crisis, the guy we're depending on to get us out of it can't look like Colonel Klink. [slides of Henry Paulson and Colonel Klink] I'm not asking for the world.
New Rule: If men can admit they watch NASCAR for the crashes, women can admit they watch fashion shows to see skinny chicks fall on their ass. Ooh, that one was touchy.
New Rule: Food from China that isn't Chinese food, isn't food. The latest example: tainted Chinese milk. Health experts say fake milk can cause bloating, gas, cramps, vomiting, fatigue, rashes and asthma. Oh, wait, that's real milk. People still not onto the fact that milk is poison. Okay.
New Rule: You can't call it "coming out of the closet" when the door was wide open...[slide of People cover with Clay Aiken and his baby] ...the closet was made of glass, and everyone could see you in there having gay sex. Clay Aiken says he came out because he didn't want to lie to his infant son. Dude, even the baby knew you were gay. I can't wait to see next week's issue of People magazine. [slide of People cover with grizzly bear and headline: "Yes, I Shit in the Woods."]
And finally, New Rule: A candidate for president should not be judged by the color of his skin. And to - and to anyone who thinks differently, I say, please do not reject John McCain just because he's white. I think the recent news from Wall Street has made us all less tolerant, and only reinforced the stereotype that white people are shiftless, thieving welfare queens.
Now, take a look at these pictures. Here are the CEO's of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG and the Lehman Brothers. I know the first thing that jumps out about these faces is they all happen to be white, and they all happen to be responsible for stealing. But, what you have to understand is that these whites are a product of a society that made them that way.
It was the neighborhoods and the schools they went to: Harvard, Yale, the Wharton School of Business.
They never learned the value of doing real, actual work. And the first step to fixing that is better role models so kids growing up white today don't think the only way out of Westchester is corporate crime.
Or a government handout. Or sailing.
So, I get it. The temptation is to look at McCain and vote against him because you don't see an individual; you just see another typical welfare "whitey."
And it's true. He spent his entire life shuffling from one low-paying government job to another. Well, except those years he spent in prison. Typical. And, between you and me, he's not very articulate.
Oh, he may have some street smarts, but he's not what you'd call an "educated" man. He freely admits he's ignorant about the economy. And apparently the only thing his white running mate knows how to do is crank out one baby after another.
And now, of course, her teenage is pregnant out of wedlock, because she learns it at home!
But, that doesn't mean we should assume all white people are like that just because so many of them are. I believe there is hope. I believe even the stupidest, greediest, laziest whites can break the cycle of dependence, like this November when we finally move George Bush out of public housing.
plez sez: i love how stereotypes are turned on their head in this bit... classic!
bill maher could've kept that off-color reference to westchester county, new york, since that's where plezWorld grew up!